So I find myself again at the worst of the two big box hardware stores that have wiped out all of the places where men could have sought an hour of peace and normalcy on a Saturday morning. The Home Depot and I have a love/hate relationship. Last December, no rock salt. Spring comes – sprinkler system parts out of stock and nothing is even blooming in Detroit yet so when was the big sprinkler system rush? Home Depot has a lot of cool tools but there is also a lot of shit clogging up the middle of the store getting in my way that has no business in a real man’s hardware store like curtain rods, mini washing machines and electric blinker things that you can use instead of a highway flares.

Isn’t anything sacred? First off, if your tire goes flat at night and you have to wait on the roadside for the hour and a half before the AAA guy shows up, can’t a guy at least light up a few highway flares. Flares have that cap with the sandpaper on it to strike the flare like a huge match. You can stare at the thing burning which maybe damages your retinas so I’d have a few beers first. It’s the little joys in life that are being taken from us real men. It won’t be long before Greenpeace or the insurance industry outlaws flares after some 60 Minutes expose on flare safety (is that show still on?). If you haven’t lit up a flare recently, get some beer and some flares and then tell me they aren’t cool. Battery powered flare substitute? Why not just pull on some pantyhose and put on some lipstick and mascara for the tow truck driver and turn on your little “C-cell” warning device and proclaim to all motorists “I’m a helpless little bitch with a battery operated warning device – run into my ass!”.

So I am paying for my stuff and this big fat blob in an orange apron takes my credit card, sneezes on it, and hands it back. No apology, no “sorry”, just hands it back to me. It’s not the first time it has happened to me. Are people so rude these days they feel it’s alright to be sick and blow their germs all over all over something that isn’t theirs and hand it back. Is a credit card now common property like a public toilet seat?

Next time at the Home Depot can I pull my pants down, shove the credit card in my crack, turned around and say “Here’s my card buddy!”? Can I cough all over my money before I pay?

Home Depot – tell your sick cashiers to stay home.